A conscious collection of diaries, resources, and gentle thoughts on attachment parenting, breastfeeding and love on the spectrum

Which Membership route to take with Young Living Essential Oils?

I’ve been using essential oils on my family for such a long time now and I love love LOVE them.  I have been asked about oils, about Young Living and about buying & selling their products through messages and emails over the past few months. If you are interested in oils, I hope that this post will help with the “which option” sign up part! The first thing you will likely ask yourself about signing up with Young Living is “How much will it cost me?” The answer is that it depends on what you want from your membership, but you are never under obligation to buy anything. However, there are perks when you do and if you want the benefits, you must meet purchase requirements (not membership fees)! Regardless of the method you use, the best way to purchase your oils is to sign up. You can’t get member only discounts and freebies any other way!

There are two main membership types:

Customer & Independent Distributor (though this one can really be broken into two).

  • Customer (buy at retail pricing – no requirements, no fees)
  • Independent Distributor as Customer (buy at wholesale pricing – no fees, but there is a $50/year purchase requirement)
  • Independent Distributor as Business (buy at wholesale pricing – no fees, but there is a purchase requirement – read more bellow)

Below, I will break down the basics and how-to of each type.


This type of membership is completely free to join.

  • No membership fees.
  • No yearly dues.
  • No obligation.
  • No selling.

What Young Living membership option is right for you? — Check out the new Young Living Premium Starter Kits! This type of membership allows you to easily order the oils and products that you need at retail pricing, plus tax & shipping–sort of like purchasing from your own private stoUntitledre.

This membership does not get you wholesale pricing.

You can sign up here!

Independent Distributor as Customer ( Save 24% with Wholesale Pricing)

This type of membership is signed up as “Independent Distributor” and requires the purchase of a starter kit, which you can choose for yourself. They are great kits that range in price from $45 to $260. You only have to purchase a start up kit once, at sign up – and they are useful. Personally, I think that the Premium Starter Kit ($160) is a great value and idea, and not just because it’s at the top price tier. This kit comes with a diffuser (I love both of mine!) and includes eleven different bottles of oil to get you started, a roll-on attachment, 10 samples packets (to use or share!), 10 sample bottles (these are so handy), and materials to help you become familiar with oils and how to use them. If a diffuser isn’t something you’re interested in, or you already know what things you’d like to order, the Basic Starter Kit ($45) is a great way to get in, and then you can begin ordering the products you want at wholesale, right away.

  • Save 24% off of retail pricing.
  • No membership fees.
  • No yearly dues.
  • No obligation.
  • No selling required.

If you wish to keep wholesale pricing, the only requirement is that you purchase about $50 worth of products per year (50 PV) – which is crazy easy to do. If you do not purchase 50 PV (their point system) worth of products in a year, you can still buy oils, it will just be at retail pricing until you meet their requirement.

You can sign up here!

If you’re interested in bigger savings, you can also sign up with Essential Rewards to save up to 24% off of retail. You must be signed up as a distributor to be able to enroll. More info here.

Independent Distributor as Business ( Save 24% with Wholesale Pricing )

This type of membership is with the intent of making an income! It is similar to the information above, with a few changes. If you love essential oils, chances are that you already share what you know with friends and family. By being a distributor, you can earn a commission when those people (and more!) buy oils from you, or sign up under you. Just like being a wholesale customer, you are required to purchase a starter kit, which range in price from $45 to $260 (depending on diffuser choice). You only have to purchase a start up kit once (same as above). To be eligible for payment, your monthly Essential Rewards order should be at or over $100/month (100 PV)—which is surprisingly easy to do. (They also have monthly specials that can earn you free exclusives.) (Note: There are now some commissions that you are eligible for at the $50 level, but the $100 level opens you up to several bonuses, making it a much faster way to begin covering the cost of your ER orders.) In addition to making a commission and being eligible for payment, you also earn Essential Rewards points that can be redeemed for free products. These points are great for buying gifts, having stock on hand, or treating yourself to something special.

You can sign up here, and learn more about Essential Rewards here.

If you have any questions, please feel free to email me directly or comment below.


It’s more than just a hobby scribbled on blue notepads

The most insulting thing I find is when people think the daily rituals in my child’s life are “hobbies” and “cute.”

In fact, they are obsessions and the downstream consequences of deviation are drastic and very very real.

Aiden is a firefighter.  He is 5 1/2 and the youngest on the job.  He works at many stations, which are listed in a book for everyone to remember but never read unless he says it’s okay.

He has “guys” that work with him.  There are “rookies” and “captains” and “firefighters.”

He has real truck that everyone who lives in my house must remember from memory and our imaginative eye.  Make sure you listen because you may get quizzed on hose length, the size of the water tank and if the truck has strobes or rotating lights in an emergency.

Most days, it is really cute.

Some days, it is not.

Some days the repetitiveness of the same question over and over for a length of 4-5 hours breaks us into an emotional outburst (adults and children) as we try to walk on those eggshells I mentioned in an earlier post while keeping a straight face and giving him all of our completely undivided attention.

Aiden has REAL gear.  No time for “pretend” stuff, Mom!

Here is a sampling of his many items (ps- you mustn’t touch unless you ask):

Here you can find a handful of uniforms, patches and his equipment.


Thankfully, as a paramedic I have left over uniforms and know how to draw the perfect sinus rhythm.



This all began when he was very young.  He has always been obsessed with a certain thing, as most children on the spectrum are.  Not the shiny coins everyone thinks of like described in so many fictional books on the market.  His back bone has been FIRE.

It was programmed while he was being made of tiny cells and forming lungs.  Remember these sweet phones?!? When we actually had keyboards!


At first we thought it was cute (It still is, don’t get me wrong).  We thought “Of course he’ll like firefighting.  Dad and Mom are both in the field!”

Aidens first trip to the firehouse:


Aiden at 7 months, photos by Sarajane Case


Always so intent on the details of how things work NOT the actual object


Time went on and we noticed it was harder and harder for us to get him to leave the station.  He always wanted to do the exact same thing every time we went.  There was no playing, straight to business.



Later, it became so consuming we would take him to his dad’s training burns because he HAD to learn.  He would kick and scream and punch himself if his brain wasn’t fed the knowledge he was searching for…  I am thoroughly impressed by watching someone put out a fire… 2 hours later… can you tell?  I remember this day and how cold the air was.  This was around the time we were first told to get Aiden evaluated and we kindly declined.  I remember the way Aiden’s chilly fingers felt on my face and struggling to get him in his layers of jackets and scarves.


Jump to a day in the life of our sweet boy TODAY!  A collector he is of patches and all things fire.  He got these at the many stations he “works” for.


What’s the point of all this?  The point is that you don’t mess with a kid’s stuff when they can not detach from it.  It isn’t cute and it isn’t funny and it IS a big deal.

Today- we had a meltdown for this very reason.

I was awoken at 5ish o’clock in the morning by my snugly boy.  He came into my bed and swam under the covers.  His eyes were teary and he began to let his emotions flow.

Aiden- “Mom, during lunch yesterday at school my teacher went into my backpack and took out my blue paper!  She ripped off my list of stations and put it in the recycling and kept my pad of paper.”

Me- “Are you sure, Aiden?  I sent that to your dad’s house.”

Aiden- “Yes, Momma.  I watched her and she took it.  She’s so rude (NOTE- children on the spectrum are very blunt and honest) to do that.  That’s the rudest.  Why did she take my things?”

Me- *wiping tears from his face and trying to not let the snot get on my fingers* “Well, are you sure?  Let me call your dad.”

….  Called dad and he confirms that the blue notepad was in his backpack so he could bring it back to my house …

Me- “Well, I’ll ask your teacher when I get to school, okay?”

Aiden- “Why would she do that?  I can’t remember what station I work at.  Oh Dear, Oh Dear, Oh Dear.  MOM!  That’s the rudest.  That was mine.  I’m a firefighter, Mom.”

This continues for the 2 1/2 hours before we arrive at school…

Aiden has a white book at home that we write down the stations mentioned in shows, movies and on the road in.  This is a technique we recently discovered with therapy to help him overcome his obsessive thoughts.  He would often, prior to having this book, repeat the station name over and over over the course of a few days.  The purpose of this book is so that he has it written down and can easily reference it when he is feeling anxious about the name of the firestations he’s learned.

Last week before he went to his dad’s, I didn’t have the book so I used a blue notepad to write down a few that we saw on YouTube.

I sent that home with his dad who sent it back in his backpack… Or so that was the intention.

Upon arriving at school, I confronted his teacher about our beloved notepad.  She pulled it from her desk and when I asked where the sheets with writing were she sort of stumbled on her words. She said she didn’t know but she’d look for them right away and that she had just happened to find the notepad in the classroom.  The first place she looked was the recycling bin (which was odd to me) and “found” them (as Aiden had mentioned her placing them there earlier).


I am obviously full of many emotions at that moment because so many things are running through my head:

*Why did she take this out of Aiden’s bag?

*Why did she lie about it?  She told me she “found” the pad?  Did you “find” it in the backpack and throw away the sheets?

*I felt so angry at her because the consequences of this one simple action of hers ruined Aiden’s morning and will surely ruin the rest of his day

My son did not need to be awake at 5am crying.  My son did not need to have HIS belongings taken from his bookbag.  My son did not need to see you lying to my face.

It is entirely sure that she didn’t know how to handle the confrontation and with the flow of children coming in the door didn’t have time time to explain the real story to me.  But I can’t help but feel so hurt, more than anything.

I have called his teacher and left a message for her to call me.  It is possible Aiden, my honest child who never forgets a thing (including the color t-shirt that was worn on the day 2 years ago when we bought the ninja turtle toothbrush) is lying.  But it is also true that teacher is lying.

When I arrived home I cried.  These blue sticky notes don’t represent paper to me.  They are Aiden.  They are his heart, his balance, his emotions, his focus.  They are his words and his light.  They are him.  When they were gone, he was gone from me emotionally.  He was unable to eat his breakfast which impacts his entire school day.  He was unable to talk kindly to me.  He was unable to follow directions and put on his shoes.  He was stuck in that circle that never ends.  Once in, you have to be pried out.

In the many years I’ve been living this strict, repetitive life there are a few things I’ve learned.

NEVER touch his belongings without first asking.

NEVER point out something new without him first giving you permission to look or bringing it up first.

NEVER act not surprised at something even though you’ve seen it a million times… Heck, You BOUGHT it at the store.  Always act surprised.

NEVER tell anyone anything about him unless he tells them first and/or gives you permission.

If you happen to do any of the above, be prepared for hours of fits, tantrums, self injury behavior, hitting, screaming and tears that can not be hugged out, kissed out or loved out.  It’s like a tornado of emotion that is waiting to be released at any moment.

For the love of blue notepads.

The Kindergarten photo of a boy and his mind

Everyone dreams of the day their kids go to kindergarten.  It’s such an important day.  Backpacks packed, smiles and tears.

EVERYONE has that kindergarten photo… I know because my facebook looks like elementary school threw up 5 year olds, backpacks and school buses.

Today was Aiden’s first day of kindergarten.  I was so excited for him because I know he will do well.  I was actually not nervous at all.  He’s been begging to start so he can find a “boy” to play with (Moms are fun and stuff but boys need little boys to do boy things with).

The morning went okay for the most part.  Aiden ate half a bagel for breakfast.  The other half he insisted on me taking a photo of so that he can “remember” and specifically asked that we NEVER delete it…

Here is what kindergarten morning looked like for Aiden:


He begged for us to take this photo.  In fact, at one point he was crying for us to take it.  He could not function until we took it, showed it to him and swore to never delete it from it’s existence.

I know you all want to see HIS photo, yea?!

Well, I had a bright idea to write “KINDERGARTEN” and “2015” on 2 sheets of paper.  He picked out his cape and I picked out mine and we were to take a photo together out front holding our papers and taking THE photo.  The one I’ll cry over in 10 years.  Thanks Pinterest!

Aiden put the cape on and it was immediately “too tight” for him to handle.  The ripped it off and refused.  Okay, I begged him PUH-leasseeeeeeeee… I need this photo.  He tried again with me kind of assisting because I insisted.

He ripped if off again that’s when I realized for the first time today that Aiden is different.

I forget overnight.

Each day is a new day and I slowly get glimpses and hints that he is different.  Eventually, by bedtime, I know he is different and I am exhausted yet grateful to have made it through my day.

Our day.

I finally just ripped off my cape, through the papers down, stomped off to the car and said forget it.  I yelled, I’ll admit.  I was so frustrated and angry at Aiden for not letting me do something so simple.  Take ONE photo.  He immediately started crying and I felt bad so I told him we had one more chance.

At this point his eyes were a tad swollen and watery and he had tear marks down his face.  I could see he wanted to but couldn’t go through with it.  It was like he kept hitting this wall of wanting to because I was asking him but not being able to collect himself to do it.

He agreed to do it alone, without me in the photo and then changed his mind…  This continued for a solid 7 minutes.

He would stand there and disconnect.  That’s what I call it.  He stares down to the right, squints and checks out.  He doesn’t listen, his face is blank.  He goes deep into his mind to a place I imagine is as beautiful and safe as a magical world with butterflies and sweet music.

At last, he put his paper up (in front of his face) for a moment.  Literally a moment.

Here is his kindergarten photo:


The more I look at it the more I am okay with it.  I’ll admit that it brings sadness to my heart.

Not because I can’t compare his K to 1st grade photo this time next year.

Not because I don’t have that photo of his last moment of innocence before he joins the world and learns things I’ve kept a secret.

But because in this moment… This photo… My child is different.

There were lots of inbetweens and tantrums that led to this point this morning and my overview was brief but this photo sums it up.

This describes Aiden so beautiful and completely and I am falling in love over the sadness by the minute.

There was this shot Josh snapped as he pulled the paper down which I must share:


Asperger’s has become such a major player in our lives.

We are constantly walking on eggshells trying to prevent the next outburst.

Our drive to school was interesting and full of Peace and Calming essential oils rubbed from head to toe.  Aiden knows how to put his own oils on and asks when he knows he needs them.

Here are some things that Aiden said to me on the way to school:

“Mom, that alarm is the worst and it is too loud for my ears. *eyes filling up with tears* Please don’t put that alarm with the bells on.  It is too loud for me.  I don’t like it, Mama”

“I really don’t want to take these school things to my class (box of classroom supplies).  They belong to us and I don’t want the other kids to mess with them.  Can I please bring them home in this box after school today.  *eyes filling up with tears* Please, Mom.  No, Mom.  Pleaseeeeee”

“I already know everything I need to know.  The other kids won’t like me, Mom.  They don’t like my fire uniform.  See, Mom.  They can’t touch my fire boots.  I am wearing my station shirt and I don’t want anyone else to see it” ***He is wearing regular clothes***

“I just really want to be by myself.  *punching himself in the forehead and stomach over and over*  These other kids don’t like me.  I just want to go back home where Josh is.  Please, Mom.  I want to work at my fire station today not go to school.”

“I love you, Mom.”

We’ve learned a lot about Asperger’s in the last few weeks.  One thing MAJOR we have learned is this about “Theory of Mind” and how it pertains to children on the spectrum and EMPATHY.

“The problem starts with the complexity of empathy itself. One aspect is simply the ability to see the world from the perspective of another. Another is more emotional – the ability to imagine what the other is feeling and care about their pain as a result.

Autistic children tend to develop the first part of empathy – which is called “theory of mind” – later than other kids. This was established in a classic experiment. Children are asked to watch two puppets, Sally and Anne. Sally takes a marble and places it in a basket, then leaves the stage. While she’s gone, Anne takes the marble out and puts it in a box. The children are then asked: Where will Sally look first for her marble when she returns?

Most 4-year-olds know Sally didn’t see Anne move the marble, so they get it right. By 10 or 11, children with developmental disabilities who have verbal IQs equivalent to 3-year-olds also get it right. But 80 percent of autistic children age 10 to 11 guess that Sally will look in the box, because they know that’s where the marble is and they don’t realize other people don’t share all of their knowledge.”

This has been hard for me to comprehend and sift through because as a mother I have so MUCH empathy.  But to Aiden, the child with Asperger’s.  He doesn’t really know how important that photo was to me even if I tell him 15 times and cry.
He cares about the bagel.
He cares out his fire station.
And that’s okay.
In a world full of group outings, parties, weddings and fun…  Aiden doesn’t really care.  He’s much happier by himself where he knows what to expect and what he is feeling.  When you are alone, you don’t have to worry so much about people crying over things you don’t understand or hearing noises that make your bones hurt.
All that exists when he is at his safest is a boy and his mind.

Then, your true self will shine

When you are in a crowd of people are you genuinely yourself?

Like… really really really yourself?

Would you pick your nose in public?  Because I know you do it in your car.  Why not while talking to a friend or stranger???

Would you pick up food off the kitchen floor and eat it?  Because I know you do it when you are by yourself.  Why not during a house party???

Would you slurp your soup splashing it on the tip of your nose?  Because I know you do it when you are alone.  Why not a that fancy restaurant???

Do people make comments sometimes and you consciously swallow down your feelings even though you have drastically different views because you want to be “polite”?  WHY???  Don’t you have a voice also?

I know I do these things all the time.

Every time someone talks about religion, I kindly keep quiet.  People would think I’m crazy if I talk about deliberate creation, Imbolc and vibration.

Every time someone speaks of well-child checks and conventional medicine for things that could be so easily corrected with lifestyle changes, I kindly keep quiet.  If I told you the ingredients that are clearly printed on the insert and the side-effects you’d call me a conspiracy theorist.

I also, often, find myself pushing my stress down into the pit of my stomach when people are watching because I have to do it.  I have to make it through the day.  I can’t let them see me trip.  Then I wonder why I have chronic IBS and stress-related tachycardia.

Most candid photos of myself, I am not smiling.  You can see the wrinkles in my forehead (I’m working on those!).  You can see the exhaustion in my brows (workin’ on that too!).  Rarely, is there a candid shot of me smiling.

Here’s me in high school… Enjoy this vintage gem from 2002.  I’m in the blue shirt in case you don’t recognize the bitchy resting face and jelly bracelets.


My point of this post is that I am consciously aware of the “ME” I let out and the “ME” I keep in.  It is my life goal to be that genuine, true self every day all day but sometimes I find it challenging.  For one, I have a job in a medical facility where I can not always be myself.  This is my never-ending journey that I’m happy to share with you.

Today, though, my boss was grabbing lunch at the local sandwich shop when she texted me a picture I will share with you in a moment.

The convo went like this:

Boss: So, I’m in Atlanta Bread and guess who’s here??? Your beautiful family!

Me: *kissy face emjoi*

Boss: I just texted you a pic.  He (husband) is so stinkin’ cute with her.  Applesauce and spoon in pocket while ordering.   Of course I had to pounce and say hello as soon as he walked in!

Me: He’s used to it.  Haha.  Babies bring lots of attention

Boss: Especially baby girls with their daddies

I then looked at my phone and couldn’t figure out how I could possibly love this man one ounce more because my heart is already so full for him but it happened.  I love him not 1, 2 or 3 ounces more but a billion ounces more.  The love just poured out of me and I stared at this photo for at least 5 minutes.


I want to be this when no one is looking. 

This is the joy I want to pour out of me when I *think* I am alone.  You are never really alone in a crowd.  You make think you are but you aren’t.  This candid photo is what I want my candid photos to look like.  This photo is genuine, pure, beautiful love. 

Izzy and Aiden are SO lucky to have this human in their lives…  Well, and I am too!

Thank you to my husband for showing me without knowing what I want to be.  Thank you for letting your true self shine without doing it because others are looking.  Thank you for being my inspiration and joy.

I love you forever.

On a funnier note… What do my KIDS do when no one is looking???

Jump on beds while sheets are in the wash as if they can fly like a superhero.



Play guitars in their socks while standing in a seat.


Sit in dishwashers, wear pirate hats and laugh when they fart.


Play with and in any space that was not originally intended for a play space or toy.


This is my goal.  To live every day putting forth my true self.  There are some things I still need to work on, move around and change but the end product is this.  Am I the odd one out of my family of 4?  If everyone else can do it, I can too!

Where do you stand?

20 minutes of a Monday morning mother’s mind


Coffee. Come on water.  Fill up faster.

*You love me but you don’t, you love me but you don’t* Jesus Christ, 3 doors down.  Really? Stop.


Mannnnn… These wrinkles are soooo deep! Frankincense. Where, oh! There you are.  Thank you, Universe for giving me this glorious life.  I’m grateful for these wrinkles because I’m still alive. I’m alive. That’s so weird. Aliiiiiive.

*you love me but you don’t know who i am… So… Blah blah in…*

Ew, I wonder what the traffic is going to be like. It’s 6:37… Leave at 6:50… Get to work aaaaat… Hold on, 50 plus 10 is 7 am 35 more 7:35 if NO traffic.  Yea right.  dear, that means I get off at 5:35 at the earliest And traffic will be so bad.  I might as well just work til 6 and miss the traffic entirely. I dunno.

Okay brain- redo.  The ride to work this morning will be traffic-free and quick. My day is going to pass easily and effortlessly and my ride home will be simple and stress-free.

Traffic- NO! Stop brain.

I need to feed Izzy. Josh just got her to sleep though. I’ll just bring my pump.

*you love me but you don’t, you love me but you don’t* I need to sing a different song. When’s the last time I ever even heard that song? Skate-a-round.

Traffic is gonna be…

There will be no traffic even if it’s Monday.  Mondays are fine.

When is Aiden’s next appointment?

… Friday.  I wonder what we will talk about.  Dealing with behaviors or something I think.  Gosh, that one lady said her 14 year old still punches himself.  What if Aiden is like that too?

Will Aiden have kids?  He keeps saying “Mama, I want a little boy.  Who’s dad will I be?”

Surely people with Asperger’s get married? Oh! I need to google that.  Well, not that but something like that.

*you love me*  stoppppppp okay.  I’m not gonna sing that song.

6:46. 4 more minutes.

Will Izzy have Autism? She’s so different already than Aiden was.  Yea, he never waved bye-bye.  What if she learns some of his behaviors though?  I’m sure Olsen Huff can help us with that.  But, God, I can’t do 2 children with Autism.  I’m hardly…

Redo- I love my children and it is what it is.  They are wonderful.

Toothpaste… *you love me but you don’t you love*. Jesus christ.

I wonder what’s clogging this sink.  Hair. Probably hair.  Man my hair is so nice today.  6:52. Crap. Ok.. Got to get dressed, make my coffee, oils! I need oils.

White angelica on my crown and third eye…

Remember rugrats? What a weird show. Aiden has been obsessed with that movie on Netflix lately. Why do they never grow older? The whole time they were always the same age. Tommy- Why did he never grow teeth???

Valor II on my feet.  Walk tall.  Bravely. Valor… I wish I still had some of the original blend.  I like this one too though.  It’s blue. Blue. Blue *im blue blah blah dee da ba die*

At least its not 3 doors down.  What a weird song. It reminds me of the county fair.  3 doors down is something they’d play at the county fair.  Oh Autumn!!! I wish Aiden would have fun at the fair.  He tries really hard to be brave.  I wish he wouldn’t lose his composure so easily.

Whatever.  I love him.  It doesn’t even matter.  Let’s get through today.  Monday.  What meetings do I have?

6:57. I still have to get dressed.

Oh man! That coffee smelllls good!

I really dont mind spending ONE dollar more for coffee that’s shade grown and organic.  Really? $1?  I’m grateful I can afford that.  Work. Okay! Gotta move.

Holding yourself “In” tegrity

Hickory Nut Gap, Autumn of 2012
Hickory Nut Gap, Autumn of 2012

Integrity: The quality or state of being complete or undivided

Keeping my integrity in every situation and interaction is always on my mind and has always been a part of my life.  This became very apparent when, first, I got a job and again when I had children.

How to maintain your true self when others are seemingly against you.  Is it something you think about often?

It can seem like a struggle but I have finally gotten to the point after some recent events that I have figured out what works for me.  Note that there was MUCH trial and error along the way.

I have been given a beautiful life filled with the most beautiful love, most beautiful children and most beautiful experiences.  Beauty is an obvious part of my experience.  Every day I choose beauty.  Sometimes, people don’t choose beauty for themselves.  And that is okay.

Sometimes, people may try to take your beauty away.  And that is okay.

Sometimes, people may try to throw dirt on your beauty.  And that is okay.  Dirt is actually quite beautiful too.  And necessary for growth.

I know that as parents, humans and spirits we will have a billion different “right” ways to do things.  I have chosen a path of my own which, honestly, changes every day based on my experiences.

In recent events, my integrity was challenged.  Unfortunately, by people close to me.  Initially, I was very angry.   I would spend hours every day thinking over the actions and words that were thrown at me over and over.  It did not feel “good” inside but I could not stop.  There is nothing more… difficult… than when someone challenges your choices as parents.

Energy is funny like that.  It’s like a funnel.  The downward spiral is SO simple to ride.  It grabs you and it travels so fast.  Going up when the spiral is spinning down can seem impossible.  It is just so so so much easier to sit at the bottom when that’s where the flow is taking you.


Where on the Emotional Guidance Scale do you sit?  I choose Joy.  I choose Knowledge.  I choose Empowerment and Freedom.  Love.  Appreciation.

So maybe you want to feel those things but aren’t quite there?  You don’t have to be.  Just change the directions you are going and soon it will be clear.  Every inch you move the more momentum you will gain.

I LOVE the teachings of Abraham Hicks.  Abraham has been my soul food for so long now.  In the teachings of Abraham Hicks there is a great visual that is used over and over.  I’d like to share it with everyone who happens to read this blog because I am constantly accessing what is happening in my “now” and deciding if I am going upstream or downstream.  It absolutely takes practice and everyday I have struggles with “going with the flow” but once I do… I feel tremendous relief.

It is with the combination of the Emotional Guidance Scale and Abraham Hicks river metaphor that I live my life.

This quote from explains the river perfectly:

“A major metaphor that Abraham uses is a fast flowing river that represents the flow of the universe or source. We are all floating on this stream, but the majority of people are fighting against the current. They do not like what is occurring in their lives so they swim upstream instead of simply floating down it. Most of humanity is obsessed with getting upstream. The problem with going against the current is that you will be tired out and beaten up by the fast flowing water. Not going with the flow is at the heart of every negative emotion you feel. When one stops fighting the current and lets the force turn them around and push them downstream, they will feel relief.

Anytime you speak of what you do not want, what hurts you, what you are unhappy with, you are attempting to go upstream. You are stifling your ability to simply float down river towards the manifestation of your desires. In the same way that focusing on what you want brings it to you, focusing on what you do not want also brings undesired things to you. The Law of Attraction works in both direction very well. We have been trained all of our lives to acknowledge what is wrong which is why it is so difficult to let go and float down stream.

Additionally the law of attraction brings us thoughts that are similar to the thoughts that we are putting out into the universe. When you complain about something have you not noticed that even more negative, complaining thoughts come soon after? The same applies when you focus on the positive: more realizations of the good in your life come to you.

A great bit of knowledge that you can take this from metaphor is that it does not matter where you are in the river. You have no reason to wish you were further up or downstream because you are constantly flowing towards your desires (unless you are fighting against the current). Therefore discontent should not be in your emotional vocabulary. Discontent is another form of trying to swim upstream. Trust in the flow and do not concern yourself with your position within the river.”

It is easy for me to “hold myself” to my highest true self, my integrity, when I don’t fight against what others are trying to force up on me.  It is in that space that I find my strength.  When I let go of the negative feelings, emotions, anger it becomes easy.  Sometimes I grab the oar and start paddling so fast up stream I begin panting.  I get tired, overwhelmed, sad.  All I ever had to do was throw that oar over the side, turn around and let the river take me to where I am meant to go.

I don’t pay mind to what the “negative” is trying to do to me.  I simply do not let it exist in my life and keep thinking of the beauty that surrounds me.

Eventually people will have 2 choices.

1) they can step into your beauty and join you

2) they will stay mid-stream, paddling, panting and going nowhere

Either way, I’m just floating down this river, thinking good thoughts that serve me and my family.

As for me and my house, we will serve honesty, happiness, love and good thoughts.

If you’d like more information on Abraham’s stream metaphor, please please please check out this video!!!

The circling life jacket affair


As we move through the days and they turn into weeks and months, the hardest realization we have come to is that we will never be “normal” when living with Aspergers.

To many people, my son is normal.  He is a normal 5 1/2 year old doing normal things.  Many were surprised at our diagnosis.  Someone even said “are you sure they put that diagnosis on the right chart?”

To us, life is seen through different lenses.  I’d like to compare our vision as those goggles you wore in highschool that taught you what drunk driving would feel like.  You know… you never could quite figure out where EXACTLY you were stepping and just when you thought for sure you had it figured out you were proven completely wrong.

We will never know the feeling of going to the county fair and eating ice cream stuffed cookies and riding rides.  We attempted to go last year and it was, for lack of a better word, a complete disaster.  Aiden is terrified of anything out of his comfort zone.  Not like, ehhh… that’s kinda scary but I’ll try it but screaming and crying in complete terror and shaking.  We had never gone before so we bought $40 worth of ride tickets and used zero after getting stuck in a thunderstorm and standing inside for 1 1/2 hours.

What brings this up is our trip to the pool today.  I feel as though my life is a walk on eggshells.  Eggshells that are crumbling beneath my toes no matter how gently I tip toe.  They are slicing my feet apart with their fragile edges and demanding that I walk faster, walk slower, walk on my hands or not walk at all.. All at the same time.  Like playing “Red light, Green light” on eggshells on a tightrope on fire with no end.

As Aiden gets older, the more interesting our life becomes.  Partly because he lives in my home 85% of the time and his Dad’s home the other 15%.  Just when we get a good routine down BAM he leaves and we have to start over.

Oh right… the pool…

Aiden asked me ALL week to go to the pool.  Today was finally the day.  He harped on it all morning.  He was super excited and we could tell.  We got there right when they opened so we could grab a nice covered table.  We quickly made our way to the kiddie section (1-2 feet deep) and hung out there for a while after Josh was able to pry him off of him like a spider monkey.  Aiden was obviously scared because he does not know how to swim.  Having never touched the bottom before he was scared that he might sink.

We noticed the other kids had life jackets and you could rent them at this pool.  We thought it would be fun to rent one too for Aiden so that he could venture out into the bigger pool for a bit.  We asked him, he was EXCITED!!

We went to the counter where they rent out jackets and were told that we had to leave our photo ID in exchange for a jacket.  Meanwhile, Aiden is doing his usual happy dance with growing excitement for the life jacket.

We did not bring our wallets.

We did not have a photo ID.

I begged the 15-ish year old girl to let me have one anyways.

She declined.

I told her she could keep my keys instead if she would please just give me a life jacket.

She declined.

What I wanted to say was “Listen, Girl!  My son is about to flip his shit if you don’t give me a gosh darn life jacket right this moment.  Please!  I am begging you.  We paid $12 to get into this f*cking place and I just really really really need that life jacket.  Not because I want the jacket.  This isn’t about the jacket.  This is about the rest of my day.”

I broke the news to Aiden and his eyes, like I expected, filled with tears and the day was ruined.

just. like. that.

People with Aspergers don’t exactly know how to use the correct words or actions to match what they are feeling.  He normally will begin punching himself, saying he’s a bad person and crying.  He often tries walking away or repeating “this is not my day.  it’s the worstest day!”  He also will scream, moan and scratch at us.  When he was little I compared him to a lion.

We finally convinced him to get in the big pool without his life jacket.  He clung to us like it was life or death.  He would not have fun.  He wasn’t having fun.  He was done.  I could tell that he was really trying to be okay with everything.  I could tell he was disappointed.  I could also tell that he was confused.  Most people can probably explain this situation to most almost 6 year olds and they’d be over it and playing in a second.

We stayed at the pool for about 1 hour.  Paid $12 and swam for a total of maybe 25 minutes.

What the life jacket meant to me:






Splashing and Sunshine


It was never about the physical life jacket.  It was about my sons behavior for the rest of the day.  It was about bedtime and how he is going to scream at me.  It was about our ride home and how he continued to repeat himself over and over still about the life jacket.  It was about how when he wakes up from this well deserved nap, I can assure you he will still be talking about the life jacket.

It’s like a circle.  It has no end.  Once he is in it, it does not stop.  Until he falls into a sweet sleep.

And I love him.

Circles always were my favorite shape anyways.


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