When you are in a crowd of people are you genuinely yourself?
Like… really really really yourself?
Would you pick your nose in public? Because I know you do it in your car. Why not while talking to a friend or stranger???
Would you pick up food off the kitchen floor and eat it? Because I know you do it when you are by yourself. Why not during a house party???
Would you slurp your soup splashing it on the tip of your nose? Because I know you do it when you are alone. Why not a that fancy restaurant???
Do people make comments sometimes and you consciously swallow down your feelings even though you have drastically different views because you want to be “polite”? WHY??? Don’t you have a voice also?
I know I do these things all the time.
Every time someone talks about religion, I kindly keep quiet. People would think I’m crazy if I talk about deliberate creation, Imbolc and vibration.
Every time someone speaks of well-child checks and conventional medicine for things that could be so easily corrected with lifestyle changes, I kindly keep quiet. If I told you the ingredients that are clearly printed on the insert and the side-effects you’d call me a conspiracy theorist.
I also, often, find myself pushing my stress down into the pit of my stomach when people are watching because I have to do it. I have to make it through the day. I can’t let them see me trip. Then I wonder why I have chronic IBS and stress-related tachycardia.
Most candid photos of myself, I am not smiling. You can see the wrinkles in my forehead (I’m working on those!). You can see the exhaustion in my brows (workin’ on that too!). Rarely, is there a candid shot of me smiling.
Here’s me in high school… Enjoy this vintage gem from 2002. I’m in the blue shirt in case you don’t recognize the bitchy resting face and jelly bracelets.
My point of this post is that I am consciously aware of the “ME” I let out and the “ME” I keep in. It is my life goal to be that genuine, true self every day all day but sometimes I find it challenging. For one, I have a job in a medical facility where I can not always be myself. This is my never-ending journey that I’m happy to share with you.
Today, though, my boss was grabbing lunch at the local sandwich shop when she texted me a picture I will share with you in a moment.
The convo went like this:
Boss: So, I’m in Atlanta Bread and guess who’s here??? Your beautiful family!
Me: *kissy face emjoi*
Boss: I just texted you a pic. He (husband) is so stinkin’ cute with her. Applesauce and spoon in pocket while ordering. Of course I had to pounce and say hello as soon as he walked in!
Me: He’s used to it. Haha. Babies bring lots of attention
Boss: Especially baby girls with their daddies
I then looked at my phone and couldn’t figure out how I could possibly love this man one ounce more because my heart is already so full for him but it happened. I love him not 1, 2 or 3 ounces more but a billion ounces more. The love just poured out of me and I stared at this photo for at least 5 minutes.
I want to be this when no one is looking.
This is the joy I want to pour out of me when I *think* I am alone. You are never really alone in a crowd. You make think you are but you aren’t. This candid photo is what I want my candid photos to look like. This photo is genuine, pure, beautiful love.
Izzy and Aiden are SO lucky to have this human in their lives… Well, and I am too!
Thank you to my husband for showing me without knowing what I want to be. Thank you for letting your true self shine without doing it because others are looking. Thank you for being my inspiration and joy.
I love you forever.
On a funnier note… What do my KIDS do when no one is looking???
Jump on beds while sheets are in the wash as if they can fly like a superhero.
Play guitars in their socks while standing in a seat.
Sit in dishwashers, wear pirate hats and laugh when they fart.
Play with and in any space that was not originally intended for a play space or toy.
This is my goal. To live every day putting forth my true self. There are some things I still need to work on, move around and change but the end product is this. Am I the odd one out of my family of 4? If everyone else can do it, I can too!
Where do you stand?